Home

I love where I am, but home is where the heart is.

I’m Still Alive

This is a notification to my readers that despite the very long silence I’m still alive. No, I did not go through a major accident or illness or surgery. I was just (again) TOO FRIGGIN LAZY. I’m sure I’ve lost a majority of my readers by now, but my writing is not only important for being read by a large number of people. The important people go back to it once in a while, and moreover, it helps me express myself and gives me practice (and joy).

This post is coming three weeks after my brother wrote to me about it, two weeks after my cousin brother told me to write, and five days after my fifty day ultimatum. (In the last post I swore I’d come back before 50 days.) In the nearly three months that have passed between my last post and this, life has gone on, quite happily, but there haven’t been any major changes. I still go to class and to workstudy, I still spend a lot of time doing homework (see, I’m actually really busy most of the time). And the rest of the time I divide to manage housekeeping (laundry and such), keeping in touch with my fantabulous family, my awesome friends from school (Sorry Ajju, I owe you an apology for not calling for so long), and my man. Once in a while I go to visit my aunt who lives sort of nearby.

I’ll try to update the blog as much as I possibly can,. becasue it’s really a way to keep in touch with my friends (I’m thinking of Sanii) and really, it gives me an outlet. But I’m not going to make promises, becasue one, I’m not sure I can keep them, and two, right now I have to work on writing my diary more often and updating it with the happenings of the past one-month-ish period.

I’ll see you soon,
Maichyang.

P.S. It was also the first time i didn’t write for a whole month, and there were two of them: August and October. I feel terrible about that.

Sorry as Hell- Updates

I’m going to skip the part about me being sorry for not writing because one thing that I would rather not think about is how I’m letting my life just pass- I’m not taking time for myself, to write my diary, to write in the blog, and to email people I love. It’s not like I’m always busy- which actually makes it worse becasue I’m spending time doing nothing. What happens is that I spend an hour too much on the computer browsing random sites, half an hour too long having random null chats with people, and the likes. Every now and then, there is a sudden surge of energy and emotion (for just one of the two is not powerful enough to make me write- my diary or blog or emails) and I sit for half-an-hour (or more) to write. But that is rare.

Anyway, moving on to the updates:

1. Now that I’ve told nearly everyone who needs to get personal updates on my life, I think it’s safe to write on the blog (no more fear of beheading) that I am very madly in love, and I fall deeper and deeper in love every day. I know there are a lot of people who don’t believe in long distance relationships (even my brother doesn’t, although he hopes that my story lasts.) But like a character in Experimental Heart (a novel by Jennifer Rohn) says about commercial science, there are some things you won’t believe in until you give it a chance. Or until it becomes person to you. Anyway, I am so insanely in love (don’t worry, I still study hard) that my roommate thinks I’m “crazy.” So do I, to tell you the truth. And I don’t care, frankly, becasue so is he. (If you’re curious about the fun details- I met him for the third time the day I wrote the songs on my playlist http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/pyaar-dosti-hai-love-is-friendship/#comments and he played all but one of them- and he didn’t even know my blog. He was also my inspiration for the poem “YOU” http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/you/ although fortunately we haven’t gone “off” yet. (touchwood)
2. I’m really happy where I am, and rememberring what Priyanka told me when I didn’t get good financial aid anywhere (The College that I now attend increasaed it after a while). “You’re meant to go to a certain place and meet certain people; don’t worry you’ll get there”. http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/03/29/cross-your-fingers-for-me/ I guess I did end up where I was meant to go. I’m usually not a fatalist, but I’m really happy about where I ended up coming to college.
3. I’ve been doing pretty well at classes. So far so good. Been getting pretty good grades on papers and doing them on time. Happy.
4. Well, Dashain is here, and I’m missing home a bit more than I usually do. Thankfully, I haven’t been missing home a lot. I mean once in a while I do, of course. I think sometimes that Baba and Aama still go “Musa!” every once in a while. I feel bad that Bhai doesn’t have anyone to tell the wierdest details about his day to, like which couple in his class fought and the likes. And while I know that I won’t “drift apart” from my parents, I fear that my Brother and I might, in terms of how much we share. Back to the topic of Dashain, I miss my grandparents and my larger family. And mutton. Lots of mutton. Hmm… But I survive. Last year I wasn’t with my parents in Dashain either, and according to Baba, you don’t need Dashain to get blessings from your parents and family.
5. What bugs me a bit is that talking to friends from school (and other friends) sn’t as convinient as it used to be. But we are in touch, and I still love them loads.
6. Last but not the least, it’s very it feels really nice to know that your parents know about your boyfriend and approve of him. (Baba expresses it but Aama doesn’t bring it up.) Zindagi rocks.

Till next time, (I swear I’m not going to disappear for 50 days…)
Maichyang.

After Forever

I guess leaving (the before and after of it) is always really busy, but I do have to apologise for not writing at all in the month of August. My last post is over 50 days old- the first time in three years I stayed for so long without blogging.

I’m in college now and settling in fine. I’m happy here to say the least- I love the place and the people, and I can alreasy call some of them friends. Of course I miss my old friends from Kathmandu, but life, as Robert Frost and I say, goes on. (Btw, there’s a statue of Robert Frost very near where I live. yay!) I hadn’t really missed home all that much until today. I really became emotional the day I had the conversation with Baba when he told me he really missed me, but today was much worse. It started with missing Preeto and Priyanka (because I was using a bookmark that Preet had given me with a message on the back), and went on to Ajju and Jyoti, Shristo (who doesn’t have a facebook anymore), and PD. And it avalanched. You know, just grew bigger and bigger like an avalanche. (Miss Piya taught me this metaphor while we were reading a book in first grade.) 

So then I bumped into a song called “Don’t Forget to Remember Me” by Carrie Underwood, and listened to it. And cried. And cried. And cried some more. All I had to say to get Aama, on the other end of the world, to start crying was “Ma, I miss you.” And then she called and we both cried. I miss her. And Baba and Loki. But I coming here was a dream come true. Also, I know I’m not alone. I have wonderful people around me (and a few friends I’m starting to love), wonderful friends scattered all over the globe, a special someone I can always count on, and a family who has my back, no matter how far they are. I’m truly blessed.

Here’s the lyrics of the song I cried listening to,  so that you (if you still stop by my inactive blog) can have your share of salty tears.

My List

Inspired by Ajju’s blog, a few shards of wisdom I can give myself, to look back to when I need it. plus, thinking gives my head a much-needed break from feeling. lol. In the randomest ever order- exactly how the thoughts made their way into my head.

1. Everyone has an ego. You need to have an ego, but keep it in check. Don’t let there be another lost friend in your life that you will have to regret losing.
2. Be accepting of other people and their truths. Maybe someone’s account of the past two years had no space for you. But come to think of it, your account would leave out qute a few people too.
3. Never make someone too powerful in your life. Each of us has someone to love at some point in their lives. Their presence makes the world a whole lot more beautiful, but their absence should not make your world shatter.
4. Laugh every now and then. No matter what the circumstances, there’s at least one thing in the world to smile about.
5. Remember that you can find very special people when you least expect to. Be open to people.
6. Make time for your friends. Care to keep in touch. Don’t let one person replace another important person in your life.
7. Don’t try too hard though. Don’t decieve yourself about what you mean to certain people. If they don’t care, let them go. It’s painful but less painful than holding on to someone despite their wishes.
8. Everyone has a past. Everyone has things about their past that they still rejoice. Let them celebrate it. Don’t expect them to cage their feelings.
9. Love yourself, but don’t let your narcissism make you seem stuck-up.
10. When someone asks you to make a choice between them and something else that you love, NEVER chose that person. If he/she has the heart to make you chose between two things you love, he/she doesn’t love you.
11. Don’t ditch your family for anyone. (Unless they’re the ones asking you to make that difficult choice in the previous point.) Blood is not always thicker than water, but your family most probably loves you a lot.
12. Read a lot. Sanjog Dai put it in a very beautiful way- other people’s stories are what inspire you, so learn from them. Be perceptive.
13. Write your diary always. Reading it later reminds you of who you used to be, and you can learn and relearn lessons from your own life.
14. Eat healthy and sleep well. You need a healthy body to think well.
15. Be yourself. If anyone asks you to change yourself, that person is not worth the trouble. I read somewhere that if you love someone you’d be willing to change for them, but if the person loved you, he/she would never ask you to. Remember that. And don’t EVER EVER ask anyone to change themselves.
16. Remember that not everyone is watching you. People don’t really care. You are just one amongst the more than six billion people on the planet. Only very few people are waiting to judge you, the rest don’t care. Do what you want to do. No fears.
17. Despite being just ONE of the 6,000,000,000 people on earth, you CAN make a difference. Do what you can to pay back for what your family and your society have given you.
18. Don’t be afraid of solitude. Solitude and lonliness are two different things. Solitude gives you space to think. Enjoy your own company once in a while (but don’t be a loner.)
19. Remember that people you love (or people you couldn’t care less about) will hurt you and judge you and shit. This too shall pass. And anyway, it’s more important how you judge yourself.
20. Last but not the least, remember to keep your feet on the ground even when you’re flying high. (Preet wrote this very beautifully somewhere when we were young.)

It’s time to head off to college, and I think I need these tips the most at this point in life, just so that I don’t become overwhelmed and lose track. plus, it was fun writing these tips. A process of reflection, because alhough these things came into my head automatically once I got started, these things are also what I value most in life- my guidelines, say, and some of them had been nearly-forgotten.

Ahem

Half a month gone and not a written word from me, eh?

There’s a month before I go to college (if I get a visa- my inetrview’s on Tuedsay) and I’m busy spending time with family, friends (okay, not enough time at all) and a certain someone special. It’s almost as if no feeling is enough to trigger the writer in me (if ever there was one) anymore. And I’ve become lazy as hell. I don’t remember EVER sleeping as much as I do these days. And then, I feel sleepy even when I’m not suposed to sleep. Sadness. My diary’s been updated for more than a week, and my work- damn, I’m dead. Gotta run. Will be back with something substantial soon.

YOU

You
and me.
You, who decide
to make me happy,
And I,
who decide to act
like I don’t care.

So many things,
some said,
some unsaid,
and walking in long strides.
I can’t take compliments,
they all say.
Perhaps they are right.
I unceremoniously thank you.

Of course I’m flattered.
Everyone gets flattered.
I’m just the kind
who comes home,
thinks,
thinks some more,
and then decides that I’m not as good
as you said. 

For a few moments,
lives intersect.
And off we go.
For better or for worse.

Saturday

Most of the time, we (my family) are so busy that weekends don’t feel like weekends anymore. Except perhaps for Loki who has to go to school the rest of the week. I sometimes even forget the day of the week, because everyday’s the same for me- work a little, waste some time, spend time online (kill me, Dear God) and sleep with a heavy heart (for having done so litle work) and a busy routine for the next day, which I end up not following anyways.

This Saturday is already an interesting one (at 10:30) though. Auntie Dearest (who my Mom loves as much as- definately no less than- me) doesn’t want to go where Mom had unilaterally planned for us to go. (I’m sorry but I have issues about my Mother’s love for her siblings which I make no effort to hide.) Loko is singing “Silsila Yeh Chahat ka” in a utterly cute girly way, and I have no clue where he heard that song early in the morning from. I’m finally blogging. My aim for today is to finish two units of translation, and do a portion of the work I’m doing for Baba so that after he comes back (he’s not in town at the moment), I don’t have to endure any “don’t disappoint me”s and do other work that I’ve committed to. Also so that I can meet Ajju after forever tomorrow. (For that matter, my working pace is majorly going down. I’ve become so damn guffadi, you can’t even begin to imagine.)

For brunch today (daal-bhaat at 10 like every other Saturday) we had 3 varieties of farsi (pumpkin). Loki joked that if he had to eat any more fasri, he’d ang himself on a farsi ko lahara (pumpkin stalk) and kill himself. I have my problems with these people (who doesn’t have problems with their families?) but I simply love them. Loads and loads and loads. I wonder how bland my life will be without them (or theirs without me.)

I’m going to read a bit before I start working.

Toodles,
Maichyang

“Pyaar Dosti Hai”= Love is Friendship

I don’t know how, but yesterday I rememberred that confident answer Shah Rukh Khan gave his Literature teacher in the film “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai”. And I started wondering… Is love really friendship? Or is love really JUST friendship? (I’m not saying it isn’t, I’m just confused)

I’m not falling for anyone (trust me on that one) but I do listen to love songs a lot. And that old feeling comes back- I wish I could fall truly madly deeply in love and sing a few songs for whoever the lucky man will be. “Khabar Nahi” from Dostana (I also love the other Dostana song “Jaane Kyun”),  ”Yeh Tumhari Meri Baatein” and “Tum  ho Toh” from ROCK ON! and “Khuda Jaane”- the cheesiest I can ever get. Oh, and not to be forgotten is Plain White T’s “1, 2, 3, 4″. Love Love Love. And I’d love to hear a version of “Hey There Delilah” sung exclusively for me. I’m going crazzzeee.

You know, maybe the “Lucky Man” is not that lucky after all- He has to put up with my singing and my voice. Poor thing.

:)

I’m crazily happy. For no reason. Yesteday Panda asked “Talai ke bhayo bihan bihanai? Ke khais?” (What happened too you early in the morning? What did you have?)  Haha.

I’ve become a workholic (Don’t really have an option since I’ve already taken charge of so much work.) The good part is that I’m also having fun! Wednesday Ajju and I went to meet JJ, and Thursday the three of us and Panda went out, shopping for my birthday gifts. (The idea of me going along surprises quite a few people.) Monday I went swimming, Tuesday out to lunch with Mr. Rai (hehe). And I’ve been gymming for about a month now. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fat. Just trying to tone myself a bit. I’m not a fitness freak or anorexic either.)

I still haven’t had anything that’s made me jump with happiness, or scream,  as I wanted a month back. (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/what-i-want-here-and-now/) But this is good enough. Zindagi rocks!

What I Want (here and now)

It’s amazing how so many wishes end up unfulfilled. Nearly two years ago, I’d made a wishlist. (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2007/06/27/endless-wishes/) So many of those wishes can not come true anymore. Here’s the new list of seemingly unimportant stuff I want at the moment, have a look:

1. I want to sleep. Not the watered-down kind of sleep I get these days, but nice strong sleep. I wish I could postpone waking up for a few days, so that I could wake up with no worries, and no lathargia from the day before.
2. I want to go on a vacation unmarred by the tensions of getting a scholarship. It doesn’t matter where, the beach, the mountains, the hills, Chitwan, Pokhara, wherever. But one day (ONE DAY) I’ll surely holiday in the Swiss Alps. And ski.
3. I want to party with a free mind, and dance till I drop.
4. I want to dress up in white clothes with some red in them (one white sari with a flashy border and aanchal, a dress with a Banarasi sari belt, and a white kurta with a colorful sari and shawl) – I know it sounds like a “so just go and get it!” wish, but I don’t know what I’d do with clothes I won’t wear much.
5.  I wish I had a scooter (preferably pink) so that I wouldn’t have to ask Sanjog Dai to make trips on his motorcycle to the opposite end of town from where he lives, so that I wouldn’t have to leave home an hour before I had to get anywhere, so that I’s save the tempo and micro and more painful taxi money, and so that I could feel independent.
6. I wish I had the confidence that so many people my age do, or that I used to have some time back. I wish I could love myself despite the odds, despite unforeseen failures and everything else.
7. I want to have just one take-your-breath-away moment. I realised a few days ago that for a very very, very very long time there hasn’t been any news that’s made me jump with happiness, or scream, or prance around. The world is too predictable. I wish life had some more excitement.

Un-passionately miserable,
Maichyang

Cute guy, another cute guy, and sprained ankles

Ouch. Why me?

The phrase reminds me of a chain-mail that I was sent, about a world-champion tennis player who had cancer never asking God “why me?” because God had not only chosen her to suffer from a cancer that prevented her from playing, he/she had also made her a world champion in tennis.

Cross Your Fingers for Me

Rejection letters are not fun.  At all.

To cheer me up, or to stop me from whining, people say stuff like “don’t worry, you’ll go someplace you deserve to be.” They even give me examples from their lives, or from that of other friends. Atulya’s been very nice about it, and something Priyanka said made sense “you’re meant to go to a certain place and meet certain people; don’t worry you’ll get there”. Ajju even withdrew her application from two places I had applied to after she got her college. I’ so lucky to have her as a friend.

Despite all that, and the fact that things end up fine, it’s still unfair. People who have the same GPA got into college already, and I have better work experience and SAT scores. I didn’t force myself to work so that I’d get into college; my restlessness was enough of a motivation. But I’d expect it to pay off. With only 7 colleges remaining, it’s hard to stay optimistic. On a better note, I’m more excited at the prospects of India (as a backup) than I previously was.

Please cross your fingers for me.

All I want to say

All I want to say is spread over my head like little clouds in the bright blue sky, or like little islands in the vastest of oceans.

1. This, the first one, is my musings over the events of the past few days. There are some people who get some of the things they want, and some people who get ALL the things they EVER wanted. And there are lots and lots of people in between. There are also those people who think they NEVER get ANYTHING they want, but they’re mistaken. We’re all lucky, although the extent may differ for each one of us. When we think of ways in which someone is luckier than us, we might as well also think of how we’re luckier than them. Like Robert Frost said, life goes on.
2. Picture this: you’ve hung out with a group of people for around five years, sometimes having such big differences that the only reason you stuck to them was because you didn’t have the courage to “ditch” them and hurt them. One person from that group was almost a best friend (only “almost”, even then.) Then one fine day, you find out that that certain someone never liked you. She’s always hated sharing her “best friend” with you. It’s shocking, a tad bit painful, and even amusing. I absolutely DETEST people who establish, or want to establish ownership on another human being- I mean what do words like “sharing” imply anyways?
3. Now for a concept that I’ve written a million times on my diary, but never on the blog. (Imagine how much I can rant when I actually write a diary AND blog.) Anyways, do you know of the times when, for no apparent reason, or for a chaotic jumble of reasons, you wish that you wouldn’t have to wake up the next morning? It’s not the same as wanting to die, not the very least like it. It’s like wanting to hibernate, or to not have to think about anything. Personally, I feel like this desire can be satisfied be sleeping with just a little bit of sun on you, sun sieved perhaps by thin curtains, or the net window (jaali ko jhyal).It’s just that I’ve been feeling a that for the past week, although it’s been quite a normal week.
4. Okay, I can’t downplay the good things that have happened this week. The first was a meet with a friend after (WHAT?!?) two months. We had coffee (and cake), motorcycled through Sanepa, out into the Ring Road, and in again from the __-Bagmati route. Then we had some pizza that tasted like jaad (while I giggled uncontrollably over it for almost half an hour.) The second was a friend’s Bartaman party, where (too) I giggled at how someone (an ex-classmate) kept making jokes that weren’t funny. Going to the jotisi, how scared we were, and how he disappointed we were with his accuracy when we stepped out. A pastry from a friend (guy) who used to be so rude to me at school. Tasty momos full of fat, pizzas so hot they blistered the roof of my mouth, and yummy sundaes.
5. Now for the bad things that happened. (It amazes me how the weekends were the least eventful days of my week.) I had a fight with another ex-classmate when I (apparently) insulted her cousin who had dumped a friend of mine. It didn’t bug me, apart from the fact that one of my closest friends is also really close to that girl. Something else that pissed me off was the lack of any credit whatsoever for the success of a project I had contributed to (with payment, of course). Working a whole day underfed. And the juice that I spilt on one corner of my laptop’s keyboard. At first, a few keys were just a little hard. Now they’re sticky (blame all the sugar in the juice). Just what I thought could never happen to me.
6. Perhaps for the reason mentioned in point number 3, I’ve been reading a lot. An amusing fact: my two mechanisms of defense (not the ones you study about in Psychology) are just the opposites of each other. One’s reading, because it takes me into another world. The other’s writing, because when I write, I become clearer about what I feel. It’s funny that one keeps me from thinking too much, and the other cleanses me by making me think to a point of saturation. Which one I use, depends on the mood of the time. I love the way a human mind (and body too, but not the topic of discussion here) works.

Well, now that I’ve written about why I haven’t been writing, I go. Cross your fingers until the colleges I’ve applied to send me their decisions.

I’ll leave you with a song I love (it just played on my computer). It’s called “Zindagi” from the Hindi film “Yuvraaj”. This one’s especially for Ajju and JJ. Don’t senti nakhau too much when you listen to it, la?

Till I see you again,
Maichyang

Good-ness, etc

I’ve always wanted to believe that there are good people in the world. My friends used to come up with incidents that showed how people are becoming more and more selfish with time, that every progressive generation becomes lesser and lesser helpful. I still tried (sometimes very hard) to believe that people are good at the core, or that even though EVERYONE may not be good, most people are.

Update

It’s 1:47am, and I’ve updated my post on bodhgaya. Please have a look. The pictures are the same, but I found, at the dead of the night- I woke up to catch some electricity- some text that I’d written for that post.

http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2008/12/18/294/

Back from Break

I’m sorry for not updating my blog for obver a month. I was in Lumbini for a month, and there weren’t as many cyber cafes as a friend of my father’s had suggested. And then the loadshedding schedule made surfing the net impossible except on Fridays and one other day of the week. I mean when I’m home I can wake up at 4 or 5 (like I did today) to finish all the work I have that needs to be done on the computer. In Lumbini, running to the cyber to use the computer at midnight is not an option. I hadn’t even been able to accept the three comments I got while I was away.

Will get back to blogging as soon as I get settled. Thanks for understanding.