Bitterness, Nostalgia, and People

I’ve become bitter lately and I know it. And trust me, it’s not a nice feeling when you know that you were a nicer person than you are, or that no one can stand you anymore. It started after I came back from Lumbini; for the first time in the past year, and perhaps for the first time in my life, I had no work, and nothing to pass my time with. And after that came the college rejections. They didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough; they made me feel jinxed. I guess you can’t entirely blame me for however bitter I now am.

Anonymity under Attack, Once Again.

Page 3 and the paparazzi don’t amaze me anymore. What amazes me is that people care about MY identity. I think it’s a very NEPALI thing, but excuse me if I’m wrong. I mean I think the vast majority of people know how to treat anonymous blogs like anonymous blogs and repect people’s wishes about their identities. And sadly, it’s not just one or two Nepalis who’s either asked me who I was, or spread rumors about who I am, what school I went to, and whose daughter/neice/cousin I am.

What I Want (here and now)

It’s amazing how so many wishes end up unfulfilled. Nearly two years ago, I’d made a wishlist. (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2007/06/27/endless-wishes/) So many of those wishes can not come true anymore. Here’s the new list of seemingly unimportant stuff I want at the moment, have a look:

1. I want to sleep. Not the watered-down kind of sleep I get these days, but nice strong sleep. I wish I could postpone waking up for a few days, so that I could wake up with no worries, and no lathargia from the day before.
2. I want to go on a vacation unmarred by the tensions of getting a scholarship. It doesn’t matter where, the beach, the mountains, the hills, Chitwan, Pokhara, wherever. But one day (ONE DAY) I’ll surely holiday in the Swiss Alps. And ski.
3. I want to party with a free mind, and dance till I drop.
4. I want to dress up in white clothes with some red in them (one white sari with a flashy border and aanchal, a dress with a Banarasi sari belt, and a white kurta with a colorful sari and shawl) – I know it sounds like a “so just go and get it!” wish, but I don’t know what I’d do with clothes I won’t wear much.
5.  I wish I had a scooter (preferably pink) so that I wouldn’t have to ask Sanjog Dai to make trips on his motorcycle to the opposite end of town from where he lives, so that I wouldn’t have to leave home an hour before I had to get anywhere, so that I’s save the tempo and micro and more painful taxi money, and so that I could feel independent.
6. I wish I had the confidence that so many people my age do, or that I used to have some time back. I wish I could love myself despite the odds, despite unforeseen failures and everything else.
7. I want to have just one take-your-breath-away moment. I realised a few days ago that for a very very, very very long time there hasn’t been any news that’s made me jump with happiness, or scream, or prance around. The world is too predictable. I wish life had some more excitement.

Un-passionately miserable,
Maichyang

Black Sheep- A Magnet for Criticism

Sometimes I wonder how two people who grew up together in the same kinds of families (the children of two siblings) can be so different. [This post is inspired by some comments that I got from relatives yesterday.]

My first cousin and I are less than a year apart. She wants to study, get a job, get married, and have kids. She does not care about what job she gets, as well as it pays well, and there are chances for some recognition and promotions. I want to do something I love. I care about the educational standards in my country, and I’m resolute on doing something about it, or at least trying. I want to study something that interests me, something that will challenge me and something I care about. She chose her subject because it has “scope” all over the world. I think taking a year off increased the depth of my understanding about work, life and my country. She would never consider it. She gloats at the thought of finishing her Masters by age 23, by which age I will just have finished my Bachelors. For her, it’s not about where you get, or how rich your experiences are, it’s about how fast you get there.

Cute guy, another cute guy, and sprained ankles

Ouch. Why me?

The phrase reminds me of a chain-mail that I was sent, about a world-champion tennis player who had cancer never asking God “why me?” because God had not only chosen her to suffer from a cancer that prevented her from playing, he/she had also made her a world champion in tennis.

Dreams.

Don’t dwell on dreams, for if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

And from one of my older posts:
At one time, I used to say, “Dreams die but don’t kill.” I’ve realised now, that although dreams themselves aren’t harmful, the death of a dream can be sorrow enough to kill. I remember reading something in a Hindi story by Prembad. It was something like this, “No, Vani, you shouldn’t let any dream be more than life. If that dies, everything in you will die. Then, you will have to live like an empty container that will flow effortessly with the flow of time. It happens, Vani, there is nothing inside the body, and the body just floats more.” It makes me wonder whether I’ve let my dreams be more-than-life. And then I remember yet another saying, “remember that great love and great achievement include great risk.”
I do not want to be an empty container.