Vulnerable

I don’t know how to get about to writing this, but it’s something I’ve been wanting to write for a long time. After a post that many people (actually just two) told me was bad, and after no comments on that post, I’m writing something that makes more sense and even a statement. Here goes…

The other day, at school, we were takling about me being vulnerable and submissive. I know that everyone was just worried about me, but I, on the other hand, didn’t see a big problem. I know I’m attached to people in really short periods of time, and that when I love people (not just the romantic love), I love them with the whole of my being. I also know that I share my feelings with people and express myself. I know that some people use my feelings as my weakness against me, but I like to believe that most people don’t do that. It’s my way of life I guess…

Thunder… (hehe)

Nostalgia is killing me these days… One emotional post after another. First the one abt my gramma and Mom, next the one about my new friends, then EF and finally Thunder. My state of mind, is probably expressed clearly, more so when I mention that I have 5 MAJOR assignments for tomorrow, and I’m still writing this.

When I was in grade 5, I fell for a classmate of mine. He was short back then (now I’m the one who’s short) and very very “uncool” but very nice. In grade five, his water bottle had a cartoon of two mice, and he used to hang the waterbottle down his neck.  He was a “brainshot”, great at studies, and I was fond of him. He’d been a good friend all along, and one of the only times I ever went to the councellor was when I said something mean to him and didn’t know how to apologise afterwards. (Oh god, rememberring these things make me chuckle. Oh, I also realised that I do not write god with a capital G. Hehe.) Okay, lemme continue… Thunder brought so many firsts to my life… the first time I put a nickname for a guy and never called him by that nickname, (a nickname? there were many- Thunder, LambaKarna, Virgi, Artha) the first time I talked to a guy on the phone for 15 whole minutes, the first time I cried when a guy told me I was really mean, and the first time I told a guy that I knew everything about him only to be proved wrong.

Turns out I didn’t know his mother’s name. When I found out that his mom had two names, I thought he had two mothers, and the mother who picked up the phone when I called was the evil step mother who tortured him when his father was not around. And I actually seriously believed my wacky hypothesis. It was, thankfully, not true.

Happily Ever After…

There are so many endings to a story that can read ‘…and they lived happily ever after.’ And for some reason, I never thought it would happen to me.

Ever since I started liking EF (a long time ago- call me ’stuck in the past’ if you must), I never thought it would work out between us. That is, of course, apart from the occasional fantasies that I had of the two of us “together forever”. Yes, it did refresh me to talk to him right after school nearly every day, and I did savour the fact that he rememberred my birthday and kept my hotmail password to himself. I even saved the wrapper of the chewing gum he gave me once until my aunt threw it out last summer. But deep down inside, I thought he liked someone else. I hoped against all hopes that he liked me, but I knew otherwise. Not like that stopped me from imagining conversations we’d have and all that. But well… 

I don’t know how fair things have been, but when I look back, I think they’ve been good. yes, I loved for a long time, and yes, I loved with all my being, but for some (unfair) reason, that doesn’t mean he had to love me in the same way. I know EF never thought of hurting me. Perhaps like I feel about people who claim to like me, he just hoped I would ‘lay off’ without him having to hurt me. I did get hurt in the end, all the way through if I may say so, but I also did heal the wounds. What’s better, I have memories I can smile at fondly, and even laugh at sometimes. I  do get teary eyed when I think of some of the things that I did, or some of the things that we did together, but I have no regrets. It’s been an experience, falling (through heights- leaving ego and fragility and all that behind) ‘in love.’