I’m Still Alive

This is a notification to my readers that despite the very long silence I’m still alive. No, I did not go through a major accident or illness or surgery. I was just (again) TOO FRIGGIN LAZY. I’m sure I’ve lost a majority of my readers by now, but my writing is not only important for being read by a large number of people. The important people go back to it once in a while, and moreover, it helps me express myself and gives me practice (and joy).

This post is coming three weeks after my brother wrote to me about it, two weeks after my cousin brother told me to write, and five days after my fifty day ultimatum. (In the last post I swore I’d come back before 50 days.) In the nearly three months that have passed between my last post and this, life has gone on, quite happily, but there haven’t been any major changes. I still go to class and to workstudy, I still spend a lot of time doing homework (see, I’m actually really busy most of the time). And the rest of the time I divide to manage housekeeping (laundry and such), keeping in touch with my fantabulous family, my awesome friends from school (Sorry Ajju, I owe you an apology for not calling for so long), and my man. Once in a while I go to visit my aunt who lives sort of nearby.

I’ll try to update the blog as much as I possibly can,. becasue it’s really a way to keep in touch with my friends (I’m thinking of Sanii) and really, it gives me an outlet. But I’m not going to make promises, becasue one, I’m not sure I can keep them, and two, right now I have to work on writing my diary more often and updating it with the happenings of the past one-month-ish period.

I’ll see you soon,
Maichyang.

P.S. It was also the first time i didn’t write for a whole month, and there were two of them: August and October. I feel terrible about that.

Sorry as Hell- Updates

I’m going to skip the part about me being sorry for not writing because one thing that I would rather not think about is how I’m letting my life just pass- I’m not taking time for myself, to write my diary, to write in the blog, and to email people I love. It’s not like I’m always busy- which actually makes it worse becasue I’m spending time doing nothing. What happens is that I spend an hour too much on the computer browsing random sites, half an hour too long having random null chats with people, and the likes. Every now and then, there is a sudden surge of energy and emotion (for just one of the two is not powerful enough to make me write- my diary or blog or emails) and I sit for half-an-hour (or more) to write. But that is rare.

Anyway, moving on to the updates:

1. Now that I’ve told nearly everyone who needs to get personal updates on my life, I think it’s safe to write on the blog (no more fear of beheading) that I am very madly in love, and I fall deeper and deeper in love every day. I know there are a lot of people who don’t believe in long distance relationships (even my brother doesn’t, although he hopes that my story lasts.) But like a character in Experimental Heart (a novel by Jennifer Rohn) says about commercial science, there are some things you won’t believe in until you give it a chance. Or until it becomes person to you. Anyway, I am so insanely in love (don’t worry, I still study hard) that my roommate thinks I’m “crazy.” So do I, to tell you the truth. And I don’t care, frankly, becasue so is he. (If you’re curious about the fun details- I met him for the third time the day I wrote the songs on my playlist http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/pyaar-dosti-hai-love-is-friendship/#comments and he played all but one of them- and he didn’t even know my blog. He was also my inspiration for the poem “YOU” http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/you/ although fortunately we haven’t gone “off” yet. (touchwood)
2. I’m really happy where I am, and rememberring what Priyanka told me when I didn’t get good financial aid anywhere (The College that I now attend increasaed it after a while). “You’re meant to go to a certain place and meet certain people; don’t worry you’ll get there”. http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/03/29/cross-your-fingers-for-me/ I guess I did end up where I was meant to go. I’m usually not a fatalist, but I’m really happy about where I ended up coming to college.
3. I’ve been doing pretty well at classes. So far so good. Been getting pretty good grades on papers and doing them on time. Happy.
4. Well, Dashain is here, and I’m missing home a bit more than I usually do. Thankfully, I haven’t been missing home a lot. I mean once in a while I do, of course. I think sometimes that Baba and Aama still go “Musa!” every once in a while. I feel bad that Bhai doesn’t have anyone to tell the wierdest details about his day to, like which couple in his class fought and the likes. And while I know that I won’t “drift apart” from my parents, I fear that my Brother and I might, in terms of how much we share. Back to the topic of Dashain, I miss my grandparents and my larger family. And mutton. Lots of mutton. Hmm… But I survive. Last year I wasn’t with my parents in Dashain either, and according to Baba, you don’t need Dashain to get blessings from your parents and family.
5. What bugs me a bit is that talking to friends from school (and other friends) sn’t as convinient as it used to be. But we are in touch, and I still love them loads.
6. Last but not the least, it’s very it feels really nice to know that your parents know about your boyfriend and approve of him. (Baba expresses it but Aama doesn’t bring it up.) Zindagi rocks.

Till next time, (I swear I’m not going to disappear for 50 days…)
Maichyang.

After Forever

I guess leaving (the before and after of it) is always really busy, but I do have to apologise for not writing at all in the month of August. My last post is over 50 days old- the first time in three years I stayed for so long without blogging.

I’m in college now and settling in fine. I’m happy here to say the least- I love the place and the people, and I can alreasy call some of them friends. Of course I miss my old friends from Kathmandu, but life, as Robert Frost and I say, goes on. (Btw, there’s a statue of Robert Frost very near where I live. yay!) I hadn’t really missed home all that much until today. I really became emotional the day I had the conversation with Baba when he told me he really missed me, but today was much worse. It started with missing Preeto and Priyanka (because I was using a bookmark that Preet had given me with a message on the back), and went on to Ajju and Jyoti, Shristo (who doesn’t have a facebook anymore), and PD. And it avalanched. You know, just grew bigger and bigger like an avalanche. (Miss Piya taught me this metaphor while we were reading a book in first grade.) 

So then I bumped into a song called “Don’t Forget to Remember Me” by Carrie Underwood, and listened to it. And cried. And cried. And cried some more. All I had to say to get Aama, on the other end of the world, to start crying was “Ma, I miss you.” And then she called and we both cried. I miss her. And Baba and Loki. But I coming here was a dream come true. Also, I know I’m not alone. I have wonderful people around me (and a few friends I’m starting to love), wonderful friends scattered all over the globe, a special someone I can always count on, and a family who has my back, no matter how far they are. I’m truly blessed.

Here’s the lyrics of the song I cried listening to,  so that you (if you still stop by my inactive blog) can have your share of salty tears.

My List

Inspired by Ajju’s blog, a few shards of wisdom I can give myself, to look back to when I need it. plus, thinking gives my head a much-needed break from feeling. lol. In the randomest ever order- exactly how the thoughts made their way into my head.

1. Everyone has an ego. You need to have an ego, but keep it in check. Don’t let there be another lost friend in your life that you will have to regret losing.
2. Be accepting of other people and their truths. Maybe someone’s account of the past two years had no space for you. But come to think of it, your account would leave out qute a few people too.
3. Never make someone too powerful in your life. Each of us has someone to love at some point in their lives. Their presence makes the world a whole lot more beautiful, but their absence should not make your world shatter.
4. Laugh every now and then. No matter what the circumstances, there’s at least one thing in the world to smile about.
5. Remember that you can find very special people when you least expect to. Be open to people.
6. Make time for your friends. Care to keep in touch. Don’t let one person replace another important person in your life.
7. Don’t try too hard though. Don’t decieve yourself about what you mean to certain people. If they don’t care, let them go. It’s painful but less painful than holding on to someone despite their wishes.
8. Everyone has a past. Everyone has things about their past that they still rejoice. Let them celebrate it. Don’t expect them to cage their feelings.
9. Love yourself, but don’t let your narcissism make you seem stuck-up.
10. When someone asks you to make a choice between them and something else that you love, NEVER chose that person. If he/she has the heart to make you chose between two things you love, he/she doesn’t love you.
11. Don’t ditch your family for anyone. (Unless they’re the ones asking you to make that difficult choice in the previous point.) Blood is not always thicker than water, but your family most probably loves you a lot.
12. Read a lot. Sanjog Dai put it in a very beautiful way- other people’s stories are what inspire you, so learn from them. Be perceptive.
13. Write your diary always. Reading it later reminds you of who you used to be, and you can learn and relearn lessons from your own life.
14. Eat healthy and sleep well. You need a healthy body to think well.
15. Be yourself. If anyone asks you to change yourself, that person is not worth the trouble. I read somewhere that if you love someone you’d be willing to change for them, but if the person loved you, he/she would never ask you to. Remember that. And don’t EVER EVER ask anyone to change themselves.
16. Remember that not everyone is watching you. People don’t really care. You are just one amongst the more than six billion people on the planet. Only very few people are waiting to judge you, the rest don’t care. Do what you want to do. No fears.
17. Despite being just ONE of the 6,000,000,000 people on earth, you CAN make a difference. Do what you can to pay back for what your family and your society have given you.
18. Don’t be afraid of solitude. Solitude and lonliness are two different things. Solitude gives you space to think. Enjoy your own company once in a while (but don’t be a loner.)
19. Remember that people you love (or people you couldn’t care less about) will hurt you and judge you and shit. This too shall pass. And anyway, it’s more important how you judge yourself.
20. Last but not the least, remember to keep your feet on the ground even when you’re flying high. (Preet wrote this very beautifully somewhere when we were young.)

It’s time to head off to college, and I think I need these tips the most at this point in life, just so that I don’t become overwhelmed and lose track. plus, it was fun writing these tips. A process of reflection, because alhough these things came into my head automatically once I got started, these things are also what I value most in life- my guidelines, say, and some of them had been nearly-forgotten.

Ahem

Half a month gone and not a written word from me, eh?

There’s a month before I go to college (if I get a visa- my inetrview’s on Tuedsay) and I’m busy spending time with family, friends (okay, not enough time at all) and a certain someone special. It’s almost as if no feeling is enough to trigger the writer in me (if ever there was one) anymore. And I’ve become lazy as hell. I don’t remember EVER sleeping as much as I do these days. And then, I feel sleepy even when I’m not suposed to sleep. Sadness. My diary’s been updated for more than a week, and my work- damn, I’m dead. Gotta run. Will be back with something substantial soon.

YOU

You
and me.
You, who decide
to make me happy,
And I,
who decide to act
like I don’t care.

So many things,
some said,
some unsaid,
and walking in long strides.
I can’t take compliments,
they all say.
Perhaps they are right.
I unceremoniously thank you.

Of course I’m flattered.
Everyone gets flattered.
I’m just the kind
who comes home,
thinks,
thinks some more,
and then decides that I’m not as good
as you said. 

For a few moments,
lives intersect.
And off we go.
For better or for worse.

Saying Goodbye

It’s always hard to say Goodbye. Jyoti’s going to India to study, and yesterday was I met her for the last time, probably for years. I know it’s best for her that she goes. I also know that even if she hadn’t gone, we would have only two months together till I went, but it’s still hard. The Goodbye was normal and I controlled myself on the tempo home, but after I got home, I couldn’t.

The diaries she gave me for safekeeping are still in that bag on the floor. I don’t want to keep them away just yet. Three years is a long time, and we went through a lot together. *Sigh* I’m gonna miss her.

Hopeless Romantics. ;)

“Think of love as a state of grace not the means to anything but the alpha and omega. An end to itself.” –From ‘Love in the Time of Cholera”

I’m becoming lovesick. Really. And for no one in particular. And since there are only a few people who listen to my bullcrap (about this) without calling me a despot, it’s finding its way into my blog. Some people are nice enough to say it’s natural, so here it is, shamelessly, a list I started when I was telling a friend I need wake-up calls. (Please let’s not argue about how someone else can also give me a wake-up call)

I want a guy (not just any guy hai feri) to give me wake-up calls
To pick me up
To find time to walk with me ALL OVER the city,
Go with me to parties
And dance till we drop
And eventually live with me,
Make me breakfast and eat, with love, the breakfast I made him.

*The above is just a very short list. I can come up with more.

Shristi says “solitude is the profoundest fact of human state, so it’s stupid to dream of dancing till I drop”. Thomas quotes a serial he watched “sometimes, perfection can be different than you imagined” re. The difference between a hopeless romantic and a not-hopeless-romantic. Fortunately/ unfortunately I’m in the first category. Arrrrgggh!

Saturday

Most of the time, we (my family) are so busy that weekends don’t feel like weekends anymore. Except perhaps for Loki who has to go to school the rest of the week. I sometimes even forget the day of the week, because everyday’s the same for me- work a little, waste some time, spend time online (kill me, Dear God) and sleep with a heavy heart (for having done so litle work) and a busy routine for the next day, which I end up not following anyways.

This Saturday is already an interesting one (at 10:30) though. Auntie Dearest (who my Mom loves as much as- definately no less than- me) doesn’t want to go where Mom had unilaterally planned for us to go. (I’m sorry but I have issues about my Mother’s love for her siblings which I make no effort to hide.) Loko is singing “Silsila Yeh Chahat ka” in a utterly cute girly way, and I have no clue where he heard that song early in the morning from. I’m finally blogging. My aim for today is to finish two units of translation, and do a portion of the work I’m doing for Baba so that after he comes back (he’s not in town at the moment), I don’t have to endure any “don’t disappoint me”s and do other work that I’ve committed to. Also so that I can meet Ajju after forever tomorrow. (For that matter, my working pace is majorly going down. I’ve become so damn guffadi, you can’t even begin to imagine.)

For brunch today (daal-bhaat at 10 like every other Saturday) we had 3 varieties of farsi (pumpkin). Loki joked that if he had to eat any more fasri, he’d ang himself on a farsi ko lahara (pumpkin stalk) and kill himself. I have my problems with these people (who doesn’t have problems with their families?) but I simply love them. Loads and loads and loads. I wonder how bland my life will be without them (or theirs without me.)

I’m going to read a bit before I start working.

Toodles,
Maichyang

GPK- Just Something I Found

“In 2003 when GP Koirala met the Maoists in a secret venue in India, they offered him the first presidency in exchange for the NC’s support for the Maoist demand for a constituent assembly and republic. Koirala refused.” (http://www.nepalitimes.com.np/issue/2008/05/23/GuestColumn/14806)

I pity the poor old man, but at the same time my respect for him continues to grow. In the end the Nepali Congress did end up supporting the two demands that the Maoists put forward, and even leading the movement for them. Koirala could have said yes to the Maoists’ proposal and gained himself the position, but he wuldn’t have been true to his politics (and the people would’ve noticed something fishy). We may argue about what Girija Prasad Koirala and the party he led fought for, but we can’t deny that this man was more for the country than for a post at the hardest of times.

I hate that GPK is handing a Minister Post to Sujata like it’s her inheritance, becasue she doesn’t have the political knowledge or experience for it, but this man has done the country much good, and I salute him for that.

“Pyaar Dosti Hai”= Love is Friendship

I don’t know how, but yesterday I rememberred that confident answer Shah Rukh Khan gave his Literature teacher in the film “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai”. And I started wondering… Is love really friendship? Or is love really JUST friendship? (I’m not saying it isn’t, I’m just confused)

I’m not falling for anyone (trust me on that one) but I do listen to love songs a lot. And that old feeling comes back- I wish I could fall truly madly deeply in love and sing a few songs for whoever the lucky man will be. “Khabar Nahi” from Dostana (I also love the other Dostana song “Jaane Kyun”),  ”Yeh Tumhari Meri Baatein” and “Tum  ho Toh” from ROCK ON! and “Khuda Jaane”- the cheesiest I can ever get. Oh, and not to be forgotten is Plain White T’s “1, 2, 3, 4″. Love Love Love. And I’d love to hear a version of “Hey There Delilah” sung exclusively for me. I’m going crazzzeee.

You know, maybe the “Lucky Man” is not that lucky after all- He has to put up with my singing and my voice. Poor thing.

Hate Mail

The interesting thing about blogging (even if it’s anonymously) is that you don’t just make friends, you repel people too.

I recieved an unpleasant surprise yesterday evening, when a person who referred to herself as “Shital” posted a comment, NOT relating to my post, but on me, and my background. (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/05/16/the-not-so-new-army-issue/) Clearly, it was someone who knows who I am, but from a distance (as I know from her interpretation of what my world consists of.)  And perhaps because I’ve recieved solace from a reader some time back  that  readers do not care about my background and understand “exactly” the feelings of being judged on grounds of my background, this was unexpected.

It is a mistake we bloggers make, I was told recently by another blogger, when we overestimate our wit in trying to remain anonymous, but also underestimate our reader’s intelligence in figuring out who we are. The same applies to people who comment on our entries. Bloggers are blessed with a tool called search on their Blogs. They can search not only by the commentor’s names (people can use any number of names, nicknames, and pennames to comment) but also by the IP address they use when they make the comment.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy comments though. I enjoy comments, and especially constructive criticism. (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2008/12/27/what-patriotism-isnt/) I love discussions (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/01/03/load-shedding/ and interactions. But personal insults…? I think we Nepalis, as a race or an identity, or a people, have a lot of growing up to do. Also another reminder- denying  (or commenting on) a “rich”/ “elite”/ “educated” person’s freedom of opinion and speech is as much discrimination as denying the same rights for the poor and downtrodden is.

:)

I’m crazily happy. For no reason. Yesteday Panda asked “Talai ke bhayo bihan bihanai? Ke khais?” (What happened too you early in the morning? What did you have?)  Haha.

I’ve become a workholic (Don’t really have an option since I’ve already taken charge of so much work.) The good part is that I’m also having fun! Wednesday Ajju and I went to meet JJ, and Thursday the three of us and Panda went out, shopping for my birthday gifts. (The idea of me going along surprises quite a few people.) Monday I went swimming, Tuesday out to lunch with Mr. Rai (hehe). And I’ve been gymming for about a month now. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fat. Just trying to tone myself a bit. I’m not a fitness freak or anorexic either.)

I still haven’t had anything that’s made me jump with happiness, or scream,  as I wanted a month back. (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/what-i-want-here-and-now/) But this is good enough. Zindagi rocks!

The not-so-new Army Issue

NOTE: I haven’t written about Politics for very long now, and I know I’m commenting on an issue that’s already old. It’s just that I’ve been extremely busy in the past few days working, but can’t let this issue go without writing about it. My analysis is nothing close to a professional political analyst, but I’ll do my best.

The political dispute about the Nepal Army is more complex than most of us understand. (for people who don’t know- the Maoists wanted to sack the Chief of Army Staff, the other parties were against it. Coalition partners quit the government after the decision was made, and the President instructed the CoAS that the Maoists sacked to remain in office. This finally resulted in the Maoists resigning from government and the new government has still not been formed.) The complexities of the situation have increased after the video of Maoist Chairperson’s address to PLA third division has been unveiled by the media. (In the video the Maoist supremo Prachanda addresses his cadres and says that he has hoodwinked the political parties and the United Nations Mission in Nepal.)

Bitterness, Nostalgia, and People

I’ve become bitter lately and I know it. And trust me, it’s not a nice feeling when you know that you were a nicer person than you are, or that no one can stand you anymore. It started after I came back from Lumbini; for the first time in the past year, and perhaps for the first time in my life, I had no work, and nothing to pass my time with. And after that came the college rejections. They didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough; they made me feel jinxed. I guess you can’t entirely blame me for however bitter I now am.

Anonymity under Attack, Once Again.

Page 3 and the paparazzi don’t amaze me anymore. What amazes me is that people care about MY identity. I think it’s a very NEPALI thing, but excuse me if I’m wrong. I mean I think the vast majority of people know how to treat anonymous blogs like anonymous blogs and repect people’s wishes about their identities. And sadly, it’s not just one or two Nepalis who’s either asked me who I was, or spread rumors about who I am, what school I went to, and whose daughter/neice/cousin I am.

What I Want (here and now)

It’s amazing how so many wishes end up unfulfilled. Nearly two years ago, I’d made a wishlist. (http://maichyang.wordpress.com/2007/06/27/endless-wishes/) So many of those wishes can not come true anymore. Here’s the new list of seemingly unimportant stuff I want at the moment, have a look:

1. I want to sleep. Not the watered-down kind of sleep I get these days, but nice strong sleep. I wish I could postpone waking up for a few days, so that I could wake up with no worries, and no lathargia from the day before.
2. I want to go on a vacation unmarred by the tensions of getting a scholarship. It doesn’t matter where, the beach, the mountains, the hills, Chitwan, Pokhara, wherever. But one day (ONE DAY) I’ll surely holiday in the Swiss Alps. And ski.
3. I want to party with a free mind, and dance till I drop.
4. I want to dress up in white clothes with some red in them (one white sari with a flashy border and aanchal, a dress with a Banarasi sari belt, and a white kurta with a colorful sari and shawl) – I know it sounds like a “so just go and get it!” wish, but I don’t know what I’d do with clothes I won’t wear much.
5.  I wish I had a scooter (preferably pink) so that I wouldn’t have to ask Sanjog Dai to make trips on his motorcycle to the opposite end of town from where he lives, so that I wouldn’t have to leave home an hour before I had to get anywhere, so that I’s save the tempo and micro and more painful taxi money, and so that I could feel independent.
6. I wish I had the confidence that so many people my age do, or that I used to have some time back. I wish I could love myself despite the odds, despite unforeseen failures and everything else.
7. I want to have just one take-your-breath-away moment. I realised a few days ago that for a very very, very very long time there hasn’t been any news that’s made me jump with happiness, or scream, or prance around. The world is too predictable. I wish life had some more excitement.

Un-passionately miserable,
Maichyang